October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Unfortunately, it’s something that deserves recognition, as about 25% of all pregnancies end in a loss. Celebrities like Chrissy Teigen have brought more awareness to this issue in the past year or so, but we certainly do not talk about it enough.
Perhaps we don’t talk about it enough because it’s incredibly hard to talk about. Pregnancy loss is a subset of parental grief, as you feel like you’re in limbo. It’s difficult to grapple with losing your child who’s not yet Earth-side…we wonder if just because the baby isn’t outside of our body yet, we don’t deserve to grieve as much. So it’s not brought up.
But if you do know someone who has lost a pregnancy, it can be challenging to know what an appropriate response is.
What to Say to a Friend Who Had a Miscarriage
Mail Her a Handwritten Letter. I suggest snail mail here, as she may have put her phone away to take a break. Texts are quick and convenient, but phones are a gateway to the outside world, and she may not be ready for it yet. Let her know that you have two perfectly good shoulders to cry on, and that you’re only a text or call away, if and when she needs to talk.
Bring Her Dinner. Much like any other major life event (death in the family, birth of a child), figuring out your next meal is one of the most overwhelming parts. A home-cooked meal dropped off on the porch will be a breath of fresh air. If you live too far away or are unsure if a hot meal is appropriate, the next best thing is to send a food delivery gift card, like DoorDash or GrubHub. If your budget allows, include enough for everyone living under her roof to get a meal (spouse, any other kiddos, etc.).
Deliver a Plant. I love flowers as much as the next girl, but flowers are temporary. Sending her a plant like a Peace Lily is super thoughtful, but it can also live for years, as a sweet tribute to the life that was lost. Pro tip: Only water a peace lily once it starts to get droopy. It needs to look a little sickly first, it doesn’t need to be drowned!
Send a Tribute Gift. This idea can get tricky, as the actual gift depends so much on the recipient’s preferences. A pair of stud earrings, a Christmas ornament, a stone for her garden, an ultrasound frame. If she’s sentimental, something like this can really mean a lot. You can even donate to one of her favorite charities in remembrance of this pregnancy.
Do Chores for Her. Even though she’s sad and grieving, the groceries still need to be bought, the dry cleaning picked up, the laundry done. If you have her spouse’s number, maybe shoot them a text to see which errands or chores need doing the most. And then go do them.
As someone in the 25%, I was very fortunate to have an incredible support system after the loss of my first baby and subsequent D&C procedure. Because when it comes down to it, there is comfort in knowing that people care about you. Be that comfort for a friend in your life; they will never forget it.
