Disclaimer: I want to be honest. I don’t want to place blame on my husband or myself. We’re in this sexless marriage together.
When Things Got Complicated: From when I got pregnant (2.5 years ago) until now, I can count on one hand how many times my husband and I have had sex: Five times in 2.5 years. No, that is not a typo, either. Sex with my husband was a complete no go during pregnancy. While pregnant, I had a really high sex drive, but due to a prior miscarriage and complications while pregnant with my son, my husband was pretty terrified of something going wrong. Despite the go ahead from doctors, my husband absolutely would not have sex with me.
I wish I could describe on paper how unbelievably insecure my husband not wanting to have sex with me made me feel.
Challenging the Stereotypical Male Sex Drive: I feel like we as women are taught our whole lives that men are these sex fiends who ONLY THINK ABOUT SEX. Yet, there I was in a completely sexless marriage. I wish I could describe on paper how unbelievably insecure my husband not wanting to have sex with me made me feel. In addition to insecurity, I was also angry and feelings of bitterness clawed their way into me. It wasn’t until several months into pregnancy did I realize my thoughts and ideas of men were wrong…completely and utterly false.
Things Took a Turn for the Worse: After our son was born, I, too, lost all desire for sex. I was exhausted, completely “touched out” from breastfeeding every hour, and the fact that I had a Cesarean and couldn’t move various ways for months all played a part. My husband had just started a new job, I stayed at home with our son, and we slowly started becoming what felt like roommates. Not entirely just because we didn’t have sex, but more because we just quit touching or even kissing each other. Some might jump to “he’s having an affair” but after 10 years of being together, I knew my husband. I knew he wasn’t having an affair.
We started having these little spats with each other. I would go off on him for the littlest things and he with me. Who were we becoming? After nearly 10 years of marriage, we were crumbling.
bed. Generally our son laid in between us, but this time I was in between my husband and our son. My husband put his arm around me and I almost cried. It felt so foreign, and I couldn’t believe who we’d become. We cuddled and watched movies a few more times together, as well as talking. We were actually talking again—talking about our sexless marriage. We were finally using kind words and gentle touches. Eventually we had sex for the first time in over a year. That has led to a few more times, but we are not at all where we were pre-baby. I sometimes wish we were but I also believe this is a short time period in our lives.
I feel angry with the narrative I was made to believe, that all a man thinks about is sex, but I have learned that just isn’t the case. I still don’t know how common all this is. It feels pretty isolating at times. But I have accepted this is where we are right now.