Motherhood changes nearly everything in our lives, and that includes sex. It is common for couples to come across barriers to maintaining a rocking sex life as their families expand and grow. But mama, you’ve still got it, and if you and your partner invest a little time in your relationship and intimacy, there’s no reason why you can’t continue to enjoy passionate sex with your partner. It may take a little creativity, but once you find your groove, the possibilities are endless!
The first thing to take a look at is your mindset. Is sex a chore or a duty? Do you feel like you “owe” your partner or that he/she owes you? If so, you’re looking at sex as a transaction and/or work, which is the most unsexy way to look at it. It’s important to remember that sex is a way to connect with your partner, an opportunity to communicate with them in a way that is completely unique between you. Your partner needs to check their mindset as well if they want to reach the full potential of your sexual relationship.
So, how can you shift your sexual mindset?
- Learn how to calm your mind. The fact that many women have a running to-do list in their heads makes it hard not to see sex as a chore. Our racing thoughts don’t leave much room to being present with our partner, even if we do want sex. Look for ways to ease day-to-day anxieties to help create a calm mind.
- Ask for what you need. What do you need to calm your mind and be fully present? This could be anything from alone time/a break from the kids, help with chores, asking your spouse to tidy the bedroom or change the sheets, a good night’s sleep, exercise, meditation, yoga, doing something creative, or whatever helps you feel more like “yourself.” This is a form of self care that will help you tap into your deepest desires in life, including your desire for your partner.
Resources: Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is an incredible sex therapist/coach. She has hundreds of podcast interviews about mindset (find them here or here) that have been life-changing! Another great sex & marriage coach is Amanda Louder.
Be Intentional, Mindful, & Direct
It’s essential to communicate clearly with your partner; be intentional with how you speak to them and approach your time together. Here are a few areas you can work on being more intentional with your partner:
- Talk about how you like to initiate. Can you come up with some kind of phrase or secret code that you can give one another to let them know you’re in the mood? Some couples like to place a token of some kind on their bedside table as a signal that they want to have sex later.
- Talk throughout the day. If you’re apart during the day, you can send flirty texts to let them know you’re thinking about being intimate with them. Pick a special emoji to send, include a sexy pic, or just a simple “I want you” can build anticipation that can be really exciting.
- Practice mindfulness during sex. Focus on each touch and how it feels. Notice what’s happening in your body. Take note of each of your senses: What are you seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing, feeling, or touching that you like? Tell your partner what you like. THEN ENJOY IT. Focus on how awesome it is that you get to share this with your partner. Don’t worry about whether or not you will orgasm. Funnily enough, the less you focus on getting to the finish line, the more likely you are to get there!
More Sex Tips for Couples
Novelty is a part of what helps increase arousal and desire. Trying something new or different can heighten your experience in amazing ways. But it doesn’t have to be something elaborate. Changing little things can go a long way.
There are a lot of variables you can change. Consider switching up one of the following: location, position, time of day, type of sex, or accessories.
The bedroom is great! But don’t forget there are other rooms in the house; you don’t have to start and finish in the same room. You can start by making out in the shower, on the couch, or somewhere else, and then move to the bedroom after a while (because for some of us, that’s the only room in the house we can lock!). Using other parts of the house is fun because the next day you get a fun reminder of what happened there the night before. It’s like a little secret you can carry with you through the mundane parts of the day.
Even within your bedroom, you can switch it up by having you or your partner sit/lay on an ottoman or comfy chair. You can also try bringing a full-length mirror close to your bed. You can get a cheap mirror from Walmart or Target that you can move around easily. Trust me, a mirror is hot.
Again, this doesn’t need to be difficult. You can try new positions, but if they don’t work out, you can return to your tried and true! It’s still fun to experiment and enjoy the different sensations even if it’s not comfortable for the entire time. Even in your standard positions, try throwing one of your legs a different direction, leaning forward, leaning backward, using pillows to prop yourself up, or whatever else you can think of.
Time of Day
If you’ve never had some afternoon delight, you are missing out! We tend to think of sex as a nighttime thing, but having sex earlier in the day can be more enjoyable sometimes because you aren’t completely exhausted yet. If you and your spouse are both working/staying at home due to COVID, think of this as an opportunity to have more time for sex! You can try to line up nap time and lunch breaks so you can steal away into your bedroom. Some people also love morning sex. Set your alarm just a little bit earlier and start your day off right.
Type of Sex
Sex via vaginal penetration isn’t the only way to have fun. “Outercourse” includes many activities that can bring you and your partner to orgasm without penetration. Manual stimulation, grinding, and oral sex can be just as pleasurable, if not more so, than “traditional” sex, especially for women (make sure you use plenty of lube externally for maximum enjoyment). Here’s a secret…you don’t have to rush through this! It can be the main event. And.it.is.so.fun. If one partner reaches orgasm before the other, you can always switch to something else after that.
Now for the really fun part…sex accessories to enhance intercourse with your partner! Here are a few little things that can go a long way.
- Lingerie. An obvious yet still fun option is lingerie. A lot of the appeal of lingerie isn’t about what the outfit itself looks like, but how it makes you feel in it. Most men are just happy that something is going on regardless of what you are wearing. You can add some new pieces (an easy option is through AdoreMe.com), but you can always rock and repurpose what you have. Even just wearing a sexier bra and panties under your clothes on a day you’re hoping to have sex can build excitement and anticipation, especially if you tell your partner that you can’t wait to show them what you’re wearing underneath your clothes.
- Sex toys can be a nice addition to your sex life. They don’t have to be a scary or overwhelming thing. You can start off with something small and simple like a bullet or lipstick vibrator to rub near your clitoris during foreplay or in positions where you don’t get enough clitoral stimulation. Lelo is a brand with a great reputation for quality products. If that’s out of your price range, there are lots of lower-priced items carried by Target (like this one) that work great as well.
- Lube is another item that is absolutely essential! Seriously, this cannot be emphasized enough. Many people think lube is only useful for penetration, but using it externally on the clitoris and labia is a game-changer. Everything is exponentially better. Give it a try! This one is particularly great, but again, you can find lube in almost any drug store.
Resource: One Extraordinary Marriage has a great list of toys and lube on their site.
Ultimately, your sex life is between you and your partner. Communicate openly with each other about what you like, what you are interested in trying, and how to make each other feel loved, and you’ll be on track to have a fulfilling sex life year after year. Seasons change, and desire may ebb and flow, and that is okay. As you adapt to life’s changes and confront problems head-on, you’ll be able to work through the rough patches and find each other again and again.
What would you add to this list, mamas? Leave a comment below!
Want more sex tips? Check out these Modern Sex Education Classes & Tips.