Collin County Moms is thrilled to present “Honest Moms,” a series on authentic, vulnerable looks at motherhood and life in general: the good, the bad, and the ugly—what we love, what we struggle with, and what we are working through—all as a way to connect with YOU. We want to know what you’re going through, what encourages you, what helps in the times of confusion, chaos, and solitude. We are all in this together, and our community is a strong one that seeks to lift others up.
As a woman, mother and wife, we tend to give, give, give, until there is nothing left. Nothing left but a person just existing and going through the routine of parenting small children, caring for others, being a supportive partner, being a chauffeur to/from school and kids’ activities, then we add on the endless cooking and cleaning. Going and doing for others constantly and not stopping to take a moment, a minute, an hour, let alone a whole day, just for YOU and YOUR needs, can get so monotonous.
Over time, this can really get the best of you, your happiness, your identity. Parenting and marriage is not easy. If it is for you, you must be a unicorn, because from what I know, it is filled with laughter, fun, smiles, memories, reprimanding, disciplining, bribing, walking away, feeling like you suck at times…just to name a few. Parenting and marriage is not meant to be easy but it IS worth it, I promise you that.
I have experienced all of the above. Recently life threw an event at me and it was a huge wake-up call. My wake-up call showed me that I have just being going through the motions of parenting and marriage. At the end of last school year going into summer and the starting of this new school year, I was so busy being a mom. Going, doing, entertaining, and keeping everyone happy and taken care of, that I had no idea until recent events that I have been neglecting my marriage, but more so myself, my identity outside of my very important role as “mom”.
I started to wonder who and where is Christina? Where did she go? And more so, why did I let her go, and man, she has been gone for a long time. After much soul searching, self reflection, self discovery and talking with my husband, I finally realized I have been “gone” for a long time. Somewhere along the way, I lost me.
I have chosen to dedicate my life to my children. This is not bad, but I have been beyond consumed by them. I forgot I actually love the guy I am married to. I actually think he is really good looking. I actually want us. I have been too busy. No date night, no hand holding, nothing much. I let myself go. I gained weight, lots of weight, I felt like a robot, actually. I enjoyed the time I was with my kids but I was always irritable or too tired, etc. I just let day after day go by.
After a lot of thought and conversation, I realized I need to get ME back. Where did Christina go? Christina spent her time, as she should, being a mom, doing everything for them and their needs. As a mom, this is what we do, but also I now know you cannot forget about YOU and YOUR needs. I totally neglected me: My wants, my needs, my desires. I have been doing this for over a decade and it slowly all piled up until recently, that whoa, I need to get this in order otherwise I will totally lose it and possibly lose my marriage. Thankfully, I received my wake-up call.
Who Christina used to be was a vibrant, social, outgoing, loud, extrovert who was happy-go-lucky and a total free spirit. Over time, going through the motions, this outgoing, fun loving, always down for a good time person changed. I changed because of course I had bigger, beautiful priorities such as my three blessings, but until recently I realized I went extreme with my change that I actually lost myself. Every dollar I had was for them, every second of my day was for them, every action I did, I did it for them.
The key is having balance. I had none. I had extremes. I have realized that I need to practice more self care, more doing something because Christina wants to, more going somewhere I like and not basing every decision big or small on someone else. Care about Christina, for a change! I have learned I can merge that free-spirited, gypsy soul girl I was years ago with the responsible, nurturing woman and mother I am today. I have learned I can care about myself and not be selfish.
I tell you, since I have discovered this about myself and my needs, I am happier, and my marriage seems happier. I feel more like me. I can be proud of myself. Not just be proud of me as a mom, which I truly treasure and have so much pride in my children, that will never change while I am on my journey to better my inner and outer self. But this is about me (you).
In fact, my hope is that everyone will be happier. This is my goal and for that to be; I have to start with me. I now care about myself by taking time for me from doing my hair or extra time doing makeup or not wearing yoga pants daily or saying heck, we are ordering takeout. I want to spend time with my husband and not doing dishes, or taking care of my body and getting the normal, petite/small me back, just to name a few. I never want to feel like I did before and the day the event occurred that rocked my world. I will not go back to that person/partner/parent. I love myself, my husband, and my family. Us mommas do not always have to be last. My kids know I love them and I would jump through fire for them, but I did not love me. As I neglected me, I neglected my husband and I was stuck in a major rut. Hallelujah, I saw the light!
I share my story to help others like me. I want you to do something for you TODAY! Please do it for yourself, you deserve it. We give and give and give…and we have no idea how depleted we are until we wake up, look in the mirror, and say whoa, is this me? Who have I become?
You are not being selfish. This is important for your mental, emotional, and physical well being. You can never judge a book by its cover. You never know how hollow, broken, lonely someone might be or you might be. Start today. Take it day by day. As mommas, we make our family #1, which we should. But do not forget about you. You matter, too.
